I’m all man, lady!
My best friend, Brandon, recently moved back to Illinois to start at his new job and he is living at my apartment until he can find his own. I have had a lot of room mates and, honestly, have had problems with most of them. Most of the problems were basic ones that I’m sure most people have had.
I lived with Brandon for a few weeks while I was looking for an apartment and we got along very well. This time is no different. I am a clean freak and he is an excellent cook so that works well. Also, he and I are on different shifts so we don’t have enough time to get sick of each other. My last statement is where I have the problem. You see, I want to find a reason to get pissed at him. Especially after a shitty night at work. I would love to come home while he is getting ready for work and say, “Hey Brandon. Why don’t you go and eat some shit.” …But I can’t because I can’t find anything worth bitching about. Until this morning…
If you were to walk into my apartment and immediately look down and to your left you would see where I keep my shoes lined up against the wall. Now that Brandon is staying here, he also puts his shoes in that spot. I counted the shoes when I came in a few minutes ago and there are 16 of them. That’s sixteen shoes. Eight pair. Now, I realized that I can’t be mad at Brandon for this because half of the problem is mine. Four of those pairs of shoes are mine and four are his. If you still can’t see what I’m getting at I will explain in the next paragraph.
We are men. Men should not have that many shoes. At least not out in the open where the whole world can see them. If Brandon or myself are here alone and a lady was to drop by she might assume that all eight pair belong to just one of us. Just to be clear, I don’t harbor any ill feelings toward the gay community but I realize that I won’t get laid if a sexy honey sees eight pairs of shoes and believes me to be a part of that community. That was a really long sentence and I don’t think that it is a run-on so that makes it pretty kick ass.
If you are reading this and happen to be a lady let me know if I’m way off course here. If you are reading this and you are gay and feel that I have offended you, please let me know and I’ll apologize. If you are Brandon and are reading this, we need to talk about this little blemish on our man-record.
~Nick
i think any girl who seriously analyzes your shoeline should be a one-hitter quit-her.
If I remember the layout of your apartment correctly, I believe you would actually have to look down and to the right if you just walked in the door. You must have been facing the door. I can see how you would get things confused.
No, Brandon. I meant MY left.
As I sit here in the remainder of my old recliner, furiously stroking Nick to the beat of Avenged Sevenfold’s “Critical Acclaim” I look down and to the right, and back a little bit, and spy one of sixteen shoes that will be my victim. The question is which one will it be? *HINT* It is airport friendly.
Well then, I guess now is a good time to tell you that I spent and entire afternoon coating the inside collars of all your work shirts with baby batter
WINK!