My new sex toy.

After impatiently waiting almost a week for my new toy to be delivered I am quite pleased to announce that it arrived at 1:13 this afternoon. The fed-ex guy tried his hardest not to get it to me but his evil plan was thwarted. He knocked once and immediately turned to go back to his vehicle. Little did he realize that I had slept on my couch in order to hear the door better. By the time I heard the knock and then got to my door, which is about 3 feet from my couch he was already halfway to his vehicle. I pulled my front door open and yelled to him. He turned towards me with a sigh and said, “Oh, um… I thought you weren’t home.” I replied with a curt, “Where’s my package?” You see, he hadn’t even brought the box to the door which leads me to believe that he was intent on not delivering it to me. He walked to his vehicle, got the box and carried it to me using one hand to balance it on his shoulder. I said, “whoa there, tough guy. Two hands. TWO HANDS!” You could tell that he was pissed that I yelled at him but I was beyond caring.

Once he had left I locked my door, drew the blinds shut and opened the box. I had to pause in the middle of the unwrapping to turn my AC on because I was sweating profusely. Finally with the unwrapping complete I plugged my new toy into the nearest outlet and removed my pants (I already had my shirt off). Below is a picture of my new toy. Unfortunately my camera does not have a timer so I can’t show you a picture of me using it in the nude.

Yes, this is my new 24″ iMac. It has 2 gigs of ram (soon to be upped to 4), a 2.8 GHz dual core processor, 320 gigs of disk space and an ATI Radeon HD 2600 Pro. All I have to do now is download the drivers for my Wacom 12×12 and I’ll be in business. I love being a nerd.

~Nick

The Happening

I really like M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s movies. Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense were freakin’ awesome if you ask me, and I know you didn’t. I was also a fan of Signs, The Village and Lady In the Water which I know most people didn’t enjoy but I thought had a few great cinematic elements in each of them. I recently went to see The Happening which, I must say, I was really pumped about. Did you guys see the trailer where people were falling from the top of the construction site!?! Holy crap that trailer made me want to kick babies I was so excited. Anyway, here is my review…

The Happening. More like The Crappening.

I want everyone to illegally download this movie, rip it onto a DVD, burn it, piss the fire out then send the smoldering plastic to M. Night. It was that bad. After that movie I realized that I would have been better off paying the theater attendant nine dollars to kick me in the balls and call me a pussy. I honestly would have preferred that.

Please do not go see this movie. If you absolutely HAVE to see it then please, please, ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD IT so that these scumbags don’t see any of your hard earned cash. I’m just looking out for my peoples.

~Nick

edit: After receiving a comment from another blogger about this post I have decided not to advocate doing anything illegal. I don’t want any of my readers to get themselves into any kind of trouble. LouKije has turned me on to a much better idea. The details of which can be found in his blog located HERE. I strongly urge that you check it out.

G’d Up From the Feet Up.

I bought a bicycle and it is freakin’ awesome. I can’t believe how much they have changed since the last time I owned one, which was sometime around 1996. It is a Mongoose XR250 which is great because it sounds like I own a small, robotic, cat-like carnivore. It has disc brakes in case I haul way too much ass and a titanium alloy frame that is light enough to pick up and throw at kids in the park. I have taken it out a few times and I eventually want to start riding it to work but I am terrified of Illinois drivers. Although it does give me a good excuse to wrap myself in nothing but bubble wrap.

I started writing/planning out the game I talked about in my last post and I think I might have a knack at it. Now I just need to learn how to program a game. I think I’m going to do it with Flash but that is probably a while down the road. I have six more levels to write and draw. Anyway, If I can stick with this project I give you all a 100% guarantee that it will shake you out of your knickers.

That is all I have for now but I will set you up with a few cool links in case you’re bored.

~Nick

Tard Blog

Kongregate

Make Your Own Camcorder

FTGC (NSFW?)

The Great Depression or The Greatest Depression?

Before I begin let me share this with you.

I am really at a loss tonight so I am going to list a few of my likes and dislikes in no particular order*.

Likes

Chicken Cordon Bleu, Polar Bears, Stand-Up Comedians, Books by Tom Robbins, My Family, Air Drying After A Shower and Bayard Rustin

Dislikes

Carlos Mencia, The socks that girls wear that resemble gloves, People that “smack” their gum, Tuesdays, Paper cuts, Dogs that piss when you pet them and The smell of urine

My favorite games of all time were in the Myst series and it seems like nobody likes point and click adventure games anymore. Unfortunately I have played through the Myst games several times and am now searching for a new game to play. So far I have had no luck, therefore, I have decided to make my own game. Or at least attempt it. If anyone has advice or ideas on how to organize my thoughts for this project please leave a comment.

~Nick

*Except for Carlos Mencia. He is first for a reason.

The New Guy

Let me preface this post by saying that working twelve hour shifts has it’s ups and downs. The biggest “down” is that, occasionally, you get stuck with someone on shift that you just cannot get along with. With this in mind you should know that the first shift with a new person usually forces you, not only, to walk on eggshells but also to pretend that you aren’t a nutcase.

Lisser got put back onto day shift so I get to work with the new guy, in the interest of his privacy we’ll call him Brint. He is extremely nice and hasn’t complained once even though we have literally done nothing but sit on our asses for 4 hours now. Brint is new to the military and his spirit has not been broken which means that I have to try to keep the Air Force illusion alive for him. I don’t want a fresh out of basic training manic depressive on my hands. My vision of the “Death From Above We Fucking Rock” Air Force was shattered into a million horrible pieces almost right away and I will never forgive myself for giving the military 6 (SIX!) years of my life.

Back to the topic…

I thought working with Brint was going to be pretty awesome until I realized that he looks almost exactly like the person in the foreground of this picture…

Yes, that is Brint from the movie Zoolander. Now, the problem is not that I judge people by how they look*, the problem is that I love the movie Zoolander and I think I have already freaked him out by;

A: Asking him if he wants go get some Orange Mocha Frappaccinos

B: Saying, “Uh earth to Brint, I’m not so sure you did cuz you were all ‘well I’m sure he’s heard of styling gel’ like you *didn’t* know it was a joke!”

and 3: squirting water from a toomey syringe at him and yelling, “Gas Fight!”

Brint has since taken his school work into another room so hopefully I didn’t scare him too much. I really couldn’t help it.

~Nick

*This is a lie. I do it all the time.

Theory 0027000

Let’s continue with the dreams…

From a dark and cramped space I saw that the sun had set fire to the mountain tops and all that once thrived below was now frozen. Aware that I was the last living creature but questioning my fate, I stepped out of the hole I’d been sleeping in. Looking around me, I first noticed that the trees had become black through and throughout as they twisted into the frosty earth like giant alien screws keeping something unseen in place. Gazing into a nearby pond I saw thousands of people frozen in a lake where my instinct told me there was no lake before. Their faces were expressionless so I couldn’t tell if they had drowned, died from the cold or some other horrible thing. Turning away in fear and disgust I saw that my hole had disappeared. I briefly wondered if the disappearance would effect this world then I woke up.

I love dreaming…

~Nick

Time Management.

It has been a while since I’ve written here (obviously) so I figured it was time to update. It is just too bad that I can’t think of anything interesting to write about. How about I tell you about a dream I had?

Answer me.

Fine. I’m going to do it anyway.

I was laying in bed with a cute brunette with awesome tats that I met a few months back. No, I can’t remember her name. Don’t interrupt. She got up and left the room and when she shut the door behind her every bit of light in the room was extinguished. I’m not sure how long I laid by myself in the pitch black but I started to feel like I was underwater after a while. I was getting very disoriented and started to feel like I was pitching and rolling like I was on a boat. [Lisa, the cute brunette's name was Lisa.] Suddenly I was surrounded by fire as if the sun was rising from my floor. I clenched my eyes as tight as I could but the burning was unbearable. Eventually it stopped and I was able to open my eyes again. I was lying on a hot desert floor, it was dark and there was nothing around me for miles. I somehow knew that the sun was going to be rising soon and I needed to find some kind of shelter. I started walking and after a few hours I saw a large shadow looming in the darkness ahead of me. I walked on until I could see that it was a giant stone jutting from the scorched ground. I finally reached the stone and sat with my back to it just waiting for the sun to rise again. I was very tired and the stone was smooth and cool so I fell asleep against it.

I “woke up” with a jolt and saw that the sun was beginning to rise and ahead of me was an unfamiliar shape. I started to get very nervous when I realized that the shape was coming towards me. As it drew nearer a horrible stench coated the air around me making it thick and almost unbearable to breath. Trying not to gag I realized that the thing coming towards me was a giant goat with dead eyes covered with cataracts. His hair was matted with gore and his horns were cracked, chipped and darker than the night around us. They curled and spiraled around his massive head until they became sharp points directly in front of him. He was stoic and ancient and I felt unwelcome.

He stopped about 10 feet from me and I began to stand using the stone to support me. We stared at each other in silence until the sun had risen and set three times. Then, without warning, he charged at me and plunged his horns through my chest and into the rock behind me. I could no longer see but I could feel his hot breath on my stomach and my blood spilling to the ground and splattering onto my feet. I felt ashamed that I had died this way but knew that when he had plunged his horns into the stone he had trapped himself.

That was my dream. I’ll try and update this more often.

~Nick

“Mmmm… Sacrilicious.” ~H. Simpson

Anyone who knows me is aware that I am atheist and also that I am open to others beliefs and opinions. With that being said, I apologize for the upcoming post. I am in a pretty shitty mood and here is a small list of things that are a part of the problem.

The link under this paragraph will take you to a brief article written by Robert Imrie of the Associated Press. Which talks about two parents who refused to take their eleven year old, diabetic daughter to the hospital for treatment. Opting instead to pray for her. The daughter died on March 23rd, which was Easter Sunday. The parents were told that the body would be taken for autopsy the following day to which the parents responded, “You won’t need to do that. She will be alive by then.”

Parents Pray Instead of Seeking Treatment (Scroll down to Read)

This one is a little old but still bugs the shit out of me. On March 11th in Kottayam, India 50 (FIFTY!) people blinded themselves by looking for an image of the virgin Mary IN THE SUN. Have a link…

50 People Go Blind Looking for Virgin Mary

Up next we have The Crusades. A war between Muslims and Christians for control of Jerusalem. Christians believe that Jesus Christ had spent most of his life there and Muslims believe that the Dome of Rock was built on the spot where Muhammad sat and prayed. These wars lasted almost 200 years. If you want more info look it up yourself.

Now let’s talk about September 11, 2001. I am aware that religion was not the only reason that the attack on America was carried out, but, a big factor was that al-Qaeda opposed the presence of U.S. military bases and installations on Muslim holy land which was stated in a 1998 fatwa issued by Osama bin Laden. 2,974 people died as a direct result of the attacks.

If you want to know why I chose to be atheist three of the big reasons are stupidity, pointless death and intolerance. At least we have Jesus Day!

~Nick

“What is this Zack Morris Bulls**t?”

Last Thursday was a pretty incredible night at work. The hospital was evacuated because of a suspicious package and someone in military housing decided to take his wife and kid hostage and eventually killed himself. Blankenship and myself were the medics on scene so we got all pumped when the SWAT team showed up. Then we heard the cops talking about sending a robot up to the house to blow open the door. We stayed quiet and tried not to look like we cared but you could tell that we were trying not to piss our pants with excitement. Most of the night was spent smoking cigarettes and hanging around the ambulance waiting for the cops to give us the all clear sign.Finally after almost five hours we got to head in. We were ready to work on the guy but he had killed himself a while before so, obviously, there wasn’t much for us to do. I was pretty disappointed that it ended so anticlimactically but then around five in the morning an earthquake hit and I thought something in the hospital had exploded. If I could have somehow filmed Thursday I might have been able to get people to stop watching American Idol. Jesus, I hate that show.

Driving around today I realized that I like watching new buildings being constructed. It feels like a super extended stop-motion film. After thinking about that I also realized that when I see new buildings being built the majority of the time they turn out to be banks or churches. I am positive that that is not a good thing.

~Nick

In response to Battle’s response to my Haiku.

Check this out first… Battle’s Response.

Jealousy runs wild

Blonde, thin, womanly

His ’stache fails to thrive

~Nick